I wish I was cold as stone, Then I wouldn't feel a thing. I wish I didn't have this heart, Then I wouldn't know the sting of the rain

A longer title of my blog then I usually chose, but to stick with song lyrics like my other posts.  This one fits me the most right now.  I know it hasn't been very long since my last post, but I'm hoping that writing this post will make me feel better.

Lately I have been in a rut.

Wait let me restart, and tell you why I chose these lyrics.  Lately I have been feeling upset. Upset about leaving Clarkson for the summer, leaving my friends (old residents) , not being able to figure out how I feel about some people, scared for the next semester, and an all around a fear of change.  Yes I am almost 20, and I still get scared.  I am not afraid to say it.  Its just that my sophomore year went so well that I have huge fears about junior year, that it won't measure up, or I won't have as much fun with my residents.  Or I will lose friends, great friends that I made this year.

This rut is coming from emotions, and my sensitivity.  A rut that not even running can fix, and usually running fixes all my problems, well except for shin splints. This is why I wish I was "cold as stone" and didn't have these emotions or thought so much about things or felt the pain I feel.  I get attached to people because I care to much, I want people to be happy and I forget my own happiness.  Then I get myself all worked up, when in the end I know my mom is probably right like she always is "Mary your going to have another great year, because you will make sure of it".  As much as I doubt her she is probably right.

So with the Boilermaker in 50 days, I am gonna keep running.  And I hope that this running will get me out of this rut I'm in.  Because its summer, and I don't want anything holding me back.  

So I am using this Summer to find my happiness and get it back,

Anybody with me?

Cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on my way ....

And another year down at Clarkson University, holy hell still feels like I'm walking down that stage grabbing my diploma from my High School principal.  Pretty hard to believe that two more years and I'll be in the real world.  Finals week hit me hard this semester with having to say goodbye to my residents (aka my best friends), a group of kids I will never forget.  Believe me they made me a video, Brooks 3 will never be forgotten and that floor will never be the same.  But finishing the year with a higher GPA, a bunch of new friends, and memories that will last a lifetime, is the best way I could imagine finishing my sophomore year.

As for now i'm home, woohoo Canjo City, where its so exciting I can barely contain myself.  I just have so much time on my hands its ridiculous.  I can sleep through an entire night without having a resident knock on my door at 3am, I shower without flip flops on, I don't have to drag my keys everywhere afraid of being locked out, and I also don't have a resident (friend) in my room to keep me company or make me laugh.  Home has its ups and downs but believe me so does Clarkson.  Its not a one way street.

 I got big plans for the summer,

• I get to recap with my best friend from high school , Jane Marie
• I am working on living with Karen at some point, we're so alike its ridiculous
• A Brooks 3 reunion (I would hope to be in store)
• Working at Horizons in July
• Finding work until then (story of my life)
• Visiting some of my sorority sisters
• Helping my family out
• Getting myself back on track! 

My to-do/to-accomplish list for the summer is only growing, Mines well make the Summer of 2012 a great one!

Is Anybody with me?